This past weekend was supposed to be a very productive one; I had plans to do some yard work, clean up several rooms of the house, start reading a new book, and hopefully get some writing done on one of my two literary projects. Instead, I did little more than watch movies, eat pizza, and sleep odd hours. I have to ask, was my lack of productivity due to my preexisting mental state, or did a specific set of events set me down that road of weary ennui?
On Friday I was the victim of a hit-and-run car crash. I’m fine aside from some aches and pains, and the car is perfectly drivable, but it sunk my entire emotional landscape. Often I’m a very rational, some may say “coldly logical” person in the face of stress, and in dealing with the helpful police officer who answered my 911 call, I was able to keep things very orderly. Afterward though I realized that my perfect little plan of how productive I was going to be that weekend was absolutely shot.
The big question I have is whether my weekend would have been so affected if I hadn’t been in that car crunch – I would have gone and gotten my hair cut, turned off my work phone, and gone about my weekend. Does that mean my weekend would have been more productive, or would I have still found myself in a dissociative funk? In truth I suppose speculation won’t get me anywhere, but I’m not one to ignore impossibility when it comes to making myself feel bad.
Today (Monday) I felt still out of sorts enough that I called into work sick, and will do what I can to take my phone appointment and online meetings from home tomorrow. My job has been very understanding with accommodation, even if my current manager doesn’t know the specifics my my anxiety and depression. I’m very lucky in that regard, and well-recognize that my employment and housing situation is far more secure than many.
In the grand scheme of things, “First World Problems” like not having done the dishes or having an erratic sleep schedule after a car crash don’t rate when compared to the threats and hardships others around the world face every day, but ultimately they matter to me and my life, and even these objectively minor problems can feel subjectively huge and suffocating at times.