Previously I’ve written about the effects depression can have on my attitude and day-to-day actions, how it’s a soggy blanket that muffles and mutes good things while emphasizing the distressing and uncomfortable. Today was a day where I couldn’t bring myself to do much of anything social, including visit a friend at her birthday celebration.
I’m very fortunate that my work today could largely be done remotely – coming up with proposals for new clients, juggling a few vendors, and handling a few issue escalations – but realistically I would have had a more productive day if I had mustered the strength of will to go into the office. The reality was though, I simply couldn’t.
I’ve been sleeping poorly over the past few months, even when I do manage to go to bed early, and uncertainty with how I stand in social situations doesn’t make being a public person easy – work is chaotic when it comes to my role these days, and my lack of social life continues unabated, though never forgotten. I’m glad days like today, where I can function well enough, even if I’m not 100%, are far more common than those days where I feel like I can’t do anything, but it’s hard to look back at what I was able to do today and be satisfied.
I suppose the big struggle I’m trying to work through is not feeling like this any more. I haven’t had any exceptionally bad days in a long while, but I also haven’t had very many good days either – my average day-to-day seems to be holding steadily at what I would call “sub-par.”
It’s probably time to schedule a check-in with the doctors and talk about what’s going on, what isn’t going on, and whether a change needs to be made.
Thank you for listening.